Ten Alternative Mortgage Paying Methods.

1.  Sell anything I have a pair of:  eyes, ears, hands, feet and testicles.  Though perhaps I'll keep the last to myself.

2.  Invent a new really cool gadget that everyone wants called an ippydop.  Cost - €345.  Expensive but well worth it.

3.  Send emails, under a false address, to random strangers telling them that I am a billionaire Prince from Ugustanta and will lodge a truck load of money into their account, if only them give me their account numbers.

4.  Ask the IMF to bail me out.  Then tell them to feck off.

5.  Dress up in a ridiculous outfit and prance about singing a catchy pop tune under the pseudonym 'Ladie Gaga'.

6.  Set up a new bank called the Anglo-Breandán, then go bust, then ask the Government to pay the bill.

7.  Become an annoying celebrity chef who takes on a pet project - like making sure that every arsonist in Ireland channels their energy into cooking.

8.  Become a computer nerd, hack into bank files and delete my mortgage completely.  Then escape before James Bond catches me.

9.  Bring begging to another level.

10.  Stick my head in the sand and hope the damn thing goes away.